he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
