You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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