A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Randomize
