I need help removing her.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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