God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
