I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize