Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
