sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Come on in and take your pants off
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