onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
you made out with another girl for some wings
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
