listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
