I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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