Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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