i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
