filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
