I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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