I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
