Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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