No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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