I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
So many bounce houses so little time
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
