I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
