If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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