Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
