Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
