Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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