I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
