I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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