Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
