i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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