So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
