woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
