I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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