Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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