I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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