Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
