I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Randomize
