You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
