i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
