i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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