So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
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