Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
