literally had 100 drinks last night.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
