I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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