we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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