I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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