i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I feel great
I just peed on a car
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize