I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
