Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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