Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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