I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Two words: blizzard sex
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