I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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