if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
do herpes really smell.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
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