I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize