I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
