So drunk its hurt
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
