you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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