We named our party play list daddy issues
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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